Space invaders want our women!

Saucer-men abduct farmer’s cattle!

Really I don’t know where to begin. Firstly all you primates look alike to us; we wouldn’t know which your women are even if we did want them. And as for the cows; rescuing them is closer. You should hear what they say about you. Pervert farmers can’t keep their hands of our breasts; steal our children’s food and murder our young men. It’s a testament to their pacifist ideals that you haven’t been wiped out by an army of irate bovines.

We has such high hopes. Really we did. When we got that pretty trinket you sent bigging up your achievements we thought we would come take a look at earth. And what did we find. Not as bastion of art and culture with the welcome mat out but a planet of paranoid apes who can’t even get on with the next population centre let alone another planet. We had even bought the receptacle of crystalline sucrose that seems to be the ritual welcome gift on your planet. Well that got flushed out the nearest airlock I can tell you; there was no way we were going to land on your uninviting corner of the cosmos.

Of course it would have been churlish to make a snap decision. After all you could have just been having an off decade. So we parked up in orbit and kept an eye on Earth. I’m afraid nothing that has happened has made us think that you will be any more inviting to little green men from Mars. Oh and while we’re on that subject, we aren’t green, we aren’t from Mars and size isn’t everything. So for all you project bluebooks and SETI initiatives — that gave us a good laugh by the way, the fact that you consider yourselves intelligent — don’t expect to find anything until you can show that visitors are welcome.

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