[A fairly recent short vignette here – the idea was to take an existing character and write a bit about them. Many characters seemed to obvious or done to death (Sherlock Holmes, James Bond etc.) so I went with Miss Piggy and here it is]
I suppose you’re asking yourself how I can have fallen so low? It’s a long story but I guess the breaking point was the end of the show. It hit us hard. Kermit got so depressed and then finally cracked and went off the deep end.
That’s not a metaphor by the way he really did go off the deep end – made a hell of a splash.
I kept hoping he would come back but in the end I had to face reality; he wasn’t coming back. He’s probably shacked up with some toad from the wrong side of the pond; run down hovel; tribe of snot nosed tadpoles. You know the story. He always said it wasn’t easy being green, but did he ever think of how hard it was being moi? I had standards to uphold and an image to maintain. He left me with an apartment full of designer furniture, a closet full of designer clothes and a snout full of designer drugs. Look at me. Have you any idea how much it costs to keep a nose this size happy?
Of course I tried other ways of bringing home the bacon. I even lowered myself to gentlemen’s magazines. Penthouse. Mayfair. My agents tried the lot. But they didn’t want me. Last year’s news they said. Me. Star of stage and screen. Last year’s news. So what did I end up with? Bloody farmers weekly!
So here I am.
My last resort.
Now empty the safe and hand over the money and no-one gets hurt.